In this opinion piece, which was first published in the The Sunday Herald Sun on 17 May 2009, VicHealth CEO Todd Harper says that lifting the Code of Silence and changing attitudes is essential not only in sport, but also where we live, work, play and learn.
Has the penny finally dropped?
Phil Gould’s honest, impassioned reflections on the National Rugby League footy show acknowledge a New Zealand woman’s pain, his fears for a mate in trouble and concern for the reputation of a game under siege.
It might be the catalyst to begin resurrecting the tarnished reputation of rugby league amongst men, women and children.
It may also, finally, be a first step towards breaking down a Code of Silence that has betrayed women.
And this betrayal caused Phil Gould, one of rugby league’s toughest players ever, to break down on national television.
What made his comments so powerful is that he was talking about a mate, a friend who had done the wrong thing. Whose actions deeply impacted on a New Zealand woman and let down his family and mates like Phil Gould.
Mates are a precious resource. We rely on our mates in times of adversity and they give us a source of meaning in our lives.
Mates are about companionship, being there for one another in tough times, and sharing experiences together. In fact, friendships are crucial for our wellbeing.
But this sordid episode makes it clear there are some experiences mates shouldn’t be sharing.
And there are times when mateship is about honesty – being prepared to stand up and confront our friends about bad behaviour.
What should a mate do when they find their team members involved in a situation where a naked woman is alone with a group of rugby players lining up for their turn?
According to Phil Gould, this night “turned sour at the moment the door opened and other Sharks players walked in. From that moment on, this was headed for tears and disaster, and none of them have come forward.”
Nor has anyone come forward since.
The Code of Silence meant no one in the room at the time was prepared to speak up for the woman. And critically, none were prepared to stand up to their mates who were doing the wrong thing.
It was a disgusting abuse of power and hard to believe that so many men could be silent to the depraved behaviour.
It’s hard to believe that if it was the sister of one of the players lying naked in the room, they would have remained silent.
What is it about men in such situation that allows them to believe that this is ok? This incident is a window into a dark issue of sex, violence and power.
We gained some insights into this thorny issue through a 2006 survey conducted by VicHealth which found that 38% of men and women believe rape results from men not being able to control their need for sex, while 15% believe women often say “No” when they mean “Yes.”
The survey clearly indicates the issue of equality and respect in relationships is a lot broader than elite sport.
In fact, women are nearly four times more likely than men to be assaulted by someone they know and in the home – men abusing the trust that women place with them.
Lifting the Code of Silence and changing attitudes is essential not only in sport, but also where we live, work, play and learn.
Sure, elite sport needs to ensure it has rules in place that don’t tolerate, condone, cover up or excuse behaviour that disrespects women.
But they also need comprehensive training programs to ensure the message gets through to elite athletes, coaches, officials and administrators.
And we also need to ensure that the standards that the law, the community and parents expect - equality in relationships, and respect between men and women are not only the accepted rules in sport, but also in our workplaces, our schools, our homes and communities as well.